Artist’s Notes: Newark, New Jersey (2017, 2026)

I wrote the lyrics to this song in December 2017. It was my freshman year of college, which feels freaky to think about here in 2026. At the time of writing, I didn’t know what the lyrics were about, I just knew they needed to be written. And so Newark, New Jersey was born. Even though I was happy with what I’d created, I kept it hidden away in sporadic voice memos and my phone notes for the next eight years.

Every once in a while, I’d take Newark, New Jersey out of the vault and play through it, but still didn’t feel ready to share. Mainly because I didn’t even know what the song was about (and the lyrics leaned juvenile for a while). It’s difficult for me to share art without being able to share the story behind it. As I’ve edited and re-edited Newark, New Jersey, I’ve realized a bittersweet truth: like a lot of my art, this song is about my mother wound.

College was the beginning of the end of my relationship with her. I had left the nest, and in my leaving, I’d gotten tattoos, started using (and abusing) substances, and thinking about myself outside of the context of home and her upbringing. My personal Dark Triad, lol.

The further I got into my collegiate career, the more I realized how unsafe my childhood was, and, by extension, how unsafe my mother was for me. In college, I was free. Free to try, to fail, to succeed, to fuck around and find out, to be myself. But with her, I was trapped; forced to play a role that had nothing to do with me, forced to be a puppet, a cog in a very fucked up machine. I’m an Aquarius, I don’t do social puppetry. I run my own show.

Since college, I have slowed down on getting tattoos, re-evaluated my relationship to substances, and continued thinking about my childhood. In this time, I’ve picked up Newark, New Jersey and put it back down several times. When I needed to be reminded of my creativity after being in music school, when I needed a good cry, when I needed to play something familiar on the guitar and zone out, Newark, New Jersey was always there. Even though the title has stayed the same (despite my feelings about the state of New Jersey), I’ve slowly whittled down the lyrics, the first iteration was very aviation-themed (I wrote the lyrics in the Newark airport). As I’ve gotten older, I’ve been able to find the heart of the song, what I was really trying to say all those years ago, but couldn’t.

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As difficult as these past several years have been, making sense of my life without her, the consequences of my upbringing, and finding myself again, I am so grateful to be alive. I also wish I could share this aliveness with my mother.

I’m grateful for all the trips I’ve gone on and I still wish I could share them with her. I’m grateful for all the meals I’ve cooked and I still wish I could share them with her. I’m grateful for all the tarot readings I’ve gotten to share over the years and I still wish I could share them with her. I’m grateful for the world I’m building without her and I still wish I could share it with her. Estrangement is not an easy choice, I don’t even think it’s the right choice, but it’s the one I’ve had to make and one I’m learning to live with.

I’m not afraid of falling, getting hurt, or even dying; I’m afraid of losing myself in people who don’t want to see me happy and fulfilled.

Flower time lapse video credit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RWbgBH3tpso

Everything by me except the final mix/production, which was done by my love, the most precise audio engineer in New York.

Thank you for reading, for listening, and for watching,

Favor